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  Monachopsis © 2020 by Lyra Winters. All Rights Reserved.

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  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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  Printed in the United States of America

  First Printing: January 25th, 2020

  Table of Contents

  Copyright Page

  Monachopsis | Lyra Winters

  For my own soulmate, Jacob. | This one's for you babe!

  Monachopsis

  Lyra Winters

  For my own soulmate, Jacob.

  This one's for you babe!

  "Do you think you'll meet him tonight?" My sister, Riley, nudged my arm as Ivy and Xavier gathered around us in the pack's ballroom.

  The ballroom was a work of art; with chandeliers, white marble floors, and crown molding carving out the intricately designed ceiling. The walls were a timeless grey with large windows that allowed natural light to pour through.

  I shrugged with a smile. "I hope so."

  "Too bad I'm not your mate, huh Sophia?" Xavier wiggled his eyebrows suggestively before Riley smacked his shoulder.

  Xavier and I had been best friends since diapers. He had long suspected we were soulmates, so he arrived at the party an hour early to test his suspicion; however, his theory proved wrong as soon as he saw me. There were no sparks, no butterflies, and certainly no matebond.

  I covered my mouth and laughed. "Yeah, that is too bad!"

  "Why did that sound insincere?"

  I patted his cheek, his scruff rubbing against the palm of my hand. "I love you to death, but you are such a playboy!"

  He grabbed my hand and kissed my palm with a roughish smile. "Damn. Still no sparks."

  "She's not your mate, silly wolf." Riley snickered, shaking her head at him.

  Rolling his eyes at her, he released my hand and tousled his hair.

  "Mates are nothing but shit." Ivy, my youngest sister, clicked her tongue.

  "Don't do this." Riley sighed.

  "Do what?" Ivy ran a hand through her short black hair. "I'm just telling her the truth."

  "No one needs your negativity," Xavier said.

  "Well, I'm just saying. Mates suck. They draw you in with the matebond and then crush your soul when you least expect it." She scowled, making eye contact with me. "You'll be disappointed."

  I hadn't once doubted anything when it came to my mate. We weren't taught to. We were taught to expect the fairy tale love story all werewolves were promised. Ivy's past with her mate was traumatic but also exceedingly rare. And yet, her words spurred anxiety in the pit of my stomach that sweltered like a wildfire.

  "Not tonight, Ivy. Please," I whispered.

  "Yeah. Besides, aren't you too busy with Nolan to worry about Sophia?" Xavier chuckled.

  She waved him off. "Nolan is nothing but a distraction to me and a perk within the pack."

  "He has a mate out there, you know," Riley stated, taking a sip from her glass.

  "Not my problem." Ivy smirked. "Besides, he already told me he'd reject her if he found her."

  I studied her face. She was confident about her words and didn't seem to care about the impact of them. Rejection was not something any wolf should take lightly. It was one of the most malicious things I'd ever heard come out of her mouth.

  "Rejection is nothing to laugh about," I said.

  "Why should I care about some she-wolf?"

  Xavier's face twisted into disgust. "Because rejection kills wolves. Don't be so heartless."

  "I lost my heart when Jackson left me," she replied.

  I shook my head and turned on my heels. Her selfish words had made me sick, and I was too antsy to loiter around. I heard Xavier and Riley arguing with her but I knew it would do no good. Ivy would never change.

  Pack members lingered about, taking guesses about who my mate would be. I was used to the pack talking about me since I was the Alpha's daughter, but the topic being about my mate made me anxious.

  "Sophia, happy birthday!" A guy with red hair and freckles approached me, placing a hand on my shoulder as I walked past. I could feel the stares of the pack on us.

  His face fell at the skin contact.

  There were no sparks, no feelings, and no matebond. He let his hand drop before offering me a sheepish smile.

  "Thank you. If you'll excuse me." I smiled at him before making my way down the long hall next to the ballroom and toward the nearest bathroom.

  I heard him sulk to his friends on how he hated that he wasn't my mate. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Was he interested in me because of who I was or just because I was the Alpha's daughter? Considering that I had barely spoken to him before, I was guessing it wasn't because he liked me for my charm.

  I opened the door with sweaty palms and locked it behind me. I leaned my back against the hardwood and let out a breath. Why did finding my mate have to be so hard? I cleared my head and walked to the vanity. Gripping the sink, I stared into my worried blue eyes. Raven-black curls tumbled down my shoulders and my red lips parted as I sighed.

  "You will be fine," I chastised my reflection as I fixed the straps of my little black dress. "You're an Alpha's daughter. Act like one."

  I shut my eyes and calmed my breathing. Everything would be fine. The fates knew what they were doing.

  The entire purpose of this party was for me to meet my mate. It's werewolf tradition to host a party on your eighteenth birthday. Eighteen is the age our wolves would recognize each other as mates. Only one in the destined pair needed to be of age to recognize the other for the bond to begin. There were two ways a wolf could recognize their mate: eye contact or touch. Once we met our mates, our wolves would become stronger—which was why it was important for us to meet them as early as possible.

  I opened my eyes and smiled. I had a feeling my mate was somewhere close. I ran my sweaty hands down my dress, reached for the handle and pushed open the bathroom door. I walked down the hallway with my head held high. My feet guided me, and I acted on instinct.

  My heels clicked on the floor as I rounded the corner into the kitchen. My shoulder grazed someone as I crossed the threshold of the doorway. Sparks erupted from the contact and spread throughout my body. I gasped. It enraptured me, the matebond that formed with just one simple touch.

  I peered up, and my entire world froze.

  He stood a few inches taller than me; his shoulder-length brown hair parted to the side. His emerald green eyes clouded over as he stood spellbound. He stared at me as if I were a goddess.

  Nolan.

  "Sophia." My whispered name sounded like honey coming from his thin, parted lips.

  I was helpless to do anything but gape at him. My mate.

  The magnetic charge between us left me aching to touch him again as I felt myself move a step closer. My hand rested on his chest as I stood on my tiptoes to move closer. Pure energy shot through me to him and it felt as if I had finally found something I had lost long ago. His head leaned in slowly before he paused, his lips millimeters away from mine.

  His eyes blinked rapidly. "No." His voice was hoarse, and it sounded like
the word ripped from his chest.

  That word—that one word was like a spear lodged in my chest cavity.

  "No?"

  He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the pantry behind him. The sparks of his touch were impossible to ignore. The door slammed behind him and he pushed me further from him, causing me to stumble over my feet. I reached out and caught myself by holding on to a shelf.

  "I can't be your mate. You're Ivy's sister... she's my girlfriend." Disbelief clouded his features as he clutched his hair in his hands.

  My eyebrows creased, and my chest ached. It felt like vines were wrapping around it and smothering me silently.

  "I'm in love with Ivy. Not you." His words hurled daggers into my soul.

  "Stop," I whispered. My head was still fogged by the matebond.

  "Ivy lost her mate. I can't let her lose me too," he argued as if the matebond between us was my doing.

  "He died... that was out of his control. Why would you choose the same fate for us? To lose each other." The desperation I felt laced my words as I held onto the shelf tighter.

  "I don't care about you as much as I care about her. I can't." His jaw tightened.

  "This isn't how it works. I don't understand." My voice cracked. Tears started to form and run down my cheeks. I couldn't grasp the situation that was unfolding in front of me. I felt drunk. I couldn't think.

  "Don't you get it? I don't give a fuck about the matebond. It's deceitful." He let out a humorless laugh, but I didn't miss the pain behind his eyes.

  "How can you say that? How can you stand there and tell me you feel nothing for me?" I took a deep breath, trying to regain some semblance of control. "You're my mate, Nolan." I reached my other hand out toward him, but he took a quick step back.

  His intense stare seared into mine. "I know what I feel for Ivy, but—" He hesitated, running a hand through his long hair. "What I feel for you is nothing but the bond. It's not even real." With each word that spewed from his mouth, I died a little more. He continued, "This isn't what I want. Ivy and I knew I'd find my mate, eventually. I know what I have to do."

  I sucked in a sharp breath, gripping the shelf with both hands. "Please—don't," I begged, despair rich in my voice but it meant nothing to him.

  "I'm sorry." He paused, squeezing his eyes shut. "I, Nolan Albright, the son of the Beta of Maxwell Pack, reject you, Sophia Maxwell, the daughter of the Alpha of Maxwell Pack."

  That statement broke me. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. My soul shattered into a million minuscule fragments.

  I squeezed the shelf tight, breaking the wood. Splinters cut into my hands, and I could feel the wetness of the blood seeping out.

  Using all the strength I had left, I spoke the words I knew he yearned to hear, "I accept your rejection."

  Once those words were stated, a seething pain worse than before sliced into me tenfold. I squeezed my eyes shut and crumpled to my knees, holding in an excruciating need to scream. I curled my fists up, pushing the splinters deeper into my palms.

  Once I sensed Nolan's presence leave, and the door shut behind him, I gasped for air. The tears poured out and my body shook. I had heard that the rejection of a soulmate was the worst pain a wolf could endure, but I didn't know it would feel like this.

  I imagined leaving, taking off and never coming back. I wouldn't have to face anyone after being tossed aside as garbage by my mate, but I knew that wasn't an option. I was the firstborn of my father, the Alpha of the Maxwell Pack, which meant I was the future Alpha.

  After a few minutes of hell passed, the fog from before had cleared and the pain from my rejection subsided. My chest felt hollow. I glanced down at my bloodied hands, picking the splinters out and dropping them on the floor. Each time I pulled a bloody fragment of wood out, it stung.

  What just happened? Why did it happen? I had so many unanswered questions whirling around in my mind.

  I stood on unsteady legs. What I felt was almost unbearable, but now that agony turned to a cold emptiness. I didn't feel anything anymore. I wiped my tears away with the backs of my hands, smoothed down my dress and walked into the kitchen.

  I turned the cold water on and ran my hands under it. Blood washed down the drain and I was able to pull the last of the splinters out. I turned the faucet off before walking back toward the ballroom.

  After scanning the room, I went over to my parents who were by the grand piano, mingling with pack members.

  "I need to speak with you both privately," I said, yet I hardly recognized my own voice.

  I could see the worry in their eyes. They excused themselves and followed me to the meeting room.

  My mother, Sage, was the first to speak as she wrapped her arms around my frame. "Sophia, honey, what happened?" I nuzzled my face into her auburn hair.

  My father, Shawn, said, "I'll take care of it. You need to tell us what happened."

  "I was rejected." The words sounded foreign in my ears.

  Finding a mate was what every girl dreamed of since childhood. I was no exception.

  My mother's hold on me tightened. My father, visibly fighting his wolf, struggled not to transform.

  "Who?" My father growled.

  "Dad, please."

  I didn't want him to make a scene. He was the Alpha and was held to a standard, something he took seriously. He couldn't damage his reputation.

  "Oh baby, I've heard the pain of rejection is almost unbearable..." Mom stroked my hair.

  "It felt like my soul was being ripped into pieces over repeatedly. Then everything just stopped. I feel numb now," I mumbled.

  "From what I've read about rejection, you'll feel devastation, pain, and sorrow all at once then you go numb. But then all that is replaced by anger." Dad gritted his teeth. "Don't give in to that anger. You may never return from it."

  Mom pulled back grabbing my hands. "What happened?"

  I stared down at my pale hands. Red holes and scrapes were just started to heal up from the splinters. Werewolves heal fast but this had taken longer than usual. I wondered if rejection could lower my healing rate.

  "I was holding onto a shelf in the pantry when he rejected me. The pain must have made me squeeze too tightly, and I crushed the board. I got the splinters out," I said.

  The door to the meeting room opened as Riley, Xavier, and Ivy walked in, shutting the door behind them.

  The sight of Ivy stung me. My heart shot a lightning bolt of pain through my body and I swallowed hard.

  "What happened?" Riley asked.

  I shook my head as I stepped back away from my mother.

  "Who rejected you?" My father's words seared my soul once again with the mere thought of Nolan and being rejected.

  Xavier's eyes blazed with anger as he let out a deadly growl. "What the fuck?"

  "It was Nolan," Ivy spoke for me; her voice was composed and indifferent.

  All their heads whipped toward her.

  Anger riled up inside of me. "He rejected me for you."

  "I know."

  "Ivy, how could you let this happen?" Dad growled.

  "I told you you shouldn't get involved with a werewolf that hadn't met their mate!" Mom snapped, walking toward her.

  Her eyes pooled with unshed tears. "I was grieving! Nolan was there for me when Jackson died. Is it wrong to have fallen for him when he was the only one there to hold me through that pain?"

  "You just told us how Nolan was only a distraction to you!" Riley got in her face.

  "Ivy. We were all there for you after Jackson's death. You cannot use your deceased mate as a scapegoat," Mom said, placing a hand on Riley's shoulder to move her slightly.

  "He's made his choice. I'm sorry..." She cried, burying her face in her hands.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I can't have her in here."

  "Your sister's soul is breaking. Rejection is powerful enough to kill werewolves. If Sophia wasn't of Alpha blood, she would be dead," Dad clenched his jaw tight.

  "I want to tea
r his fucking throat out. Honestly, I'm not your biggest fan right now either, Ivy." Xavier's fists clenched.

  I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to block out their voices. Another wave of anger wracked my body; my wolf begged to be let loose. I couldn't listen to this any longer.

  "This is irreversible. Nolan will never change his mind, and I don't want him to. Not if I wasn't everything he wanted from the start." I stalked toward Ivy as my claws extended from my nails, tearing through my flesh. "I don't want him either." With that, I walked past her and out the door.

  The moon hung full, monopolizing the sky as the dark green ripples of the river tumbled over one another. I pulled my cardigan tight as the autumn breeze blew across my skin. My bare feet were cold from standing on my back deck, but I welcomed the bitter feeling. It was better to feel bitter than feel nothing at all.

  Ever since my mate rejected me two years ago, I was haunted by a single word: monachopsis. It represented the subtle yet tenacious feeling of being out of place. It summed up my existence.

  Not long after my rejection, I moved out of the pack house and into a little cottage nestled in beside a waterfall. I couldn't stand watching Ivy and Nolan together. It was nice being able to get away from it all.

  "Sophia, they just got here. Everyone is in the living room," Riley said from behind me.

  "Everyone?" I asked, not moving my gaze from the perpetual waterfall.

  "He's not here, but she is."

  I turned away from the scenery to face my sister. Her eyes softened as she gave me a small smile.

  "Do you want me to call Xavier over?" she asked.

  "He'll be over later tonight." I walked past her, and she followed as we entered my cottage, relocating toward the ruckus of ceremony planning.

  My parents were sitting on the couch going through seating charts, while Ivy sat on the love seat with her nose buried in her phone, texting Nolan no doubt. A tinge of anger surfaced but I pushed it down inside of me. I hated that the sight of her made me so angry.

  My parents' eyes lit up as we walked in and Ivy ignored me—one thing I was thankful for. Riley plopped down on a chair next to my parents.